April Fools: DSU PD breaks up St. Patty’s Day party, finds a leprechaun

Originally published in Issue 12, Fifty-First Year of The Minstrel (March 30, 2017). 

Once upon a freezing Friday night, a lucky four-leaf clover was buried under a foot of snow. Students clad with green walked right by it to the party, never knowing it was there.

This was not the “luck o’ the Irish” kind of night.

At approximately 11:00 p.m. on St. Patrick’s Day, campus PD busted into Finnegan, the more Irish sounding of the two villas, to break up a party featuring your typical green beer and the cheapest vodka college students can afford.

“When the police showed up, I said, ‘You’ve got the wrong holiday. This isn’t Halloween,’” said freshman Scott Land. “Then I realized it was campus PD and I was out the window faster than you can say, ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.’”

Most students were not fast enough to make it out the window, and the police wrote up 37 students.

“The cops took our names and now I have to pay a fine plus complete community service for underage drinking,” said sophomre Al Coholic.

“The party was definitely worth it though. Everyone who’s anyone was there,” he adds.

Sources confirm that yes, everyone was there, except the other 1,500 plus undergraduate students at the University.

“The party was lit,” said one of the officers Paul Ice. “It was a shame we had to bust the party, but I managed to swipe some delicious guacamole on the way out.”

Outside of Finnegan, the police saw a short man with red hair, a beard and a green sequined top hat prancing around the grassy fields.

“He did not look like a student, so we decided to investigate, which led to a full-fledged pursuit,” said Ice.

“Think ‘Fast and the Furious,’ but on foot instead of cars,” he adds.

Three police officers chased the dwarf-sized man, who they presumed to be leprechaun, all around campus.

“‘Fast and the Furious?’ More like kindergarteners on a goose chase,” scoffs senior Jen Eric.

After chasing the leprechaun around Labuda to Trexler and circling the Jesus statue approximately six times, the chase continued across the wide- open space of the McShea Mall.

This is where the police lost him.

“Small legs, fast runner,” explains another officer, Percy Veer.

The police continued to do a sweep of the Mall and found a black pot. It was heavy when the police picked it up.

“We thought it was filled with a gold,” said Veer. “A Saint Patrick’s Day miracle.”

However, upon opening the lid, they discovered black hunks of coal.

“Wrong holiday, again!” shouted Land.

The leprechaun has been causing havoc on campus for the past two weeks now by putting extra bacon on students’ cheeseburgers, adding money to students’ Paw Bucks accounts and slipping candy into backpacks.

Sightings of leprechaun should be reported to campus PD immediately. The mayhem must be stopped.

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